My State’s Easter Egg Kicks Your State’s Easter Egg’s Ass

While flipping through the White House’s online gallery of easter eggs by state, we decided that this whole tradition would be more entertaining if it was presented as a competition. Mainly because our state easter egg rocks. Did the other states that neighbor us NOT take this artistic challenge seriously? Our thoughts (if we were judges of an easter egg painting competition):

Texas: To quote Jacques Lacan, “the transcendental signifier extends the play and domain of signification infinitely.” Unfortunately the painting on your egg reminds us of a cocktail napkin. Come on Texas. In this competition we are looking for large gestures and bold statements. Yes, it goes without saying that the canvas in this competition is small BUT the egg in and of itself is a powerful symbol. Try to address that.

Oklahoma: To your Will Rogers easter egg, our Will Rogers quote generator says, “The only thing worse than egg in your face is your face on an egg.”

Missouri: Ahoy Missouri! We sight your grand state seal in our spyglass as it wobbles on your huevos negros. Missouri? Are you a pirate? Why is your egg painted black?

Tennessee: Elvis. Of course! And now he’s on an egg. Neat! We thought Mojo Nixon had effectively hollowed out the whole ubiquity-of-Elvis-kitsch thing in the song “Elvis is Everywhere.” And that back was in 1987. Tennessee, have you not heard this song? No more Elvis art. We mean it.

Mississippi: Ummmmm.

Louisiana: You know, Louisiana. You’re right. When we think of Louisiana, we think food. Crawfish Etouffe, Jambala, Shrimp Po Boys, etc. So your funky chef-in-fruit-de-la-mer surround is highly appropriate. But you know what Louisiana? There’s one food that doesn’t come to mind when we think of you. That food is eggs. Please do not mix mediums and metaphors like you have with your befuddling “Cajun Chef in an Egg” easter egg.

Arkansas: Yes! Arkansas! Yes! Lynda Young! You are kicking some serious easter-rump with your miniature fly fisherman encased in an open-ring-box styled, frilly-lace framed, egg shell diorama. Your mini-sportsman evokes all that we love about the Natural State – huntin’, fishin’, and trappin’. Not only that, the subtle reminder that “the fisherman” brings (i.e. the reason for the season) is just the kind of brilliant stroke that puts you leagues above the lay easter egg artists working in the field. Lynda Young, today we salute you with two solemnly raised little metal easter egg dipper things.